Tuesday, July 22, 2008

We Can With Prayer

Last week we jumped another hurdle. We made it over, but perhaps we lost a metaphorical shoe. The hurdle was our home study, the culmination of weeks of hand-wringing, mega-cleaning, brow sweating, and the frantic completion of what might have been the world's most daunting to-do list. Okay, maybe that is an exaggeration, maybe just the tri-state area's most daunting to-do list. The moral of the story I guess though is that we made it through with flying colors. Almost.

Our caseworker was very positive. She told us we are wonderful parents ( I tend to agree ) and nothing would stop us from receiving a glowing report as far as the home study goes. The down side? Again she showed apprehension over our ability to finance the adoption. She even asked her supervisor if they thought we would be able to proceed. The answer? "We can with prayer". Not exactly the words I wanted to hear. I want to hear "Oh sure, people do this all the time!" but that is not what we heard. And the fact is, well you don't always want to hear the truth. But the truth is that where we are is standing before an amazing opportunity that I really don't think everyone gets a shot at. It is an amazing gift to not be able to afford what we are doing. That is not a typo, it is truly an amazing gift to not be able. At this point, there is nothing of me left in the process. The only way I put one foot in front of the other is through sheer obediance. Everything human about me screams turn back, its not too late, try again later, this is impossible. So the only thing I focus on is that sweet whisper, just underneath the screaming, the one that says "come, I will show you the way". Now of course I can't wait to bring home my child - because he is already ours. He is already a part of the family, his name in our conversations, his room; adorned occasionally with one more toy. I miss the little boy I have not ever even met. But all this love and longing is water from the Master on a long journey through a seemingly barren desert. And that is such a gift. When God removes you piece by piece from being capable he frees you to experience the awesome chance to step aside and hand Him the glory. I am incapable of claiming any of this as an achievement now or at any time in the future. This was His will, His ability, and forevermore His glory alone. What an awesome gift to be able to give - something that was never mine in the first place. That is not a human experience, we really have nothing comparable. If I took your shoes and gave them to my best friend it would be an act of selfishness, or thievery, or malice, etc. It is human, it is tainted, it is imperfect. That metaphor just doesn't seem to translate and in that is where there is so much blissful ignorance. I can't even begin to understand how our God works but I know that to be able to accept something that wasn't mine and then without burden give it back is a perfect exercise of love. Some day I know I will look back on the words I didn't want to hear and feel thankfulness, in fact I already do. Because with every fundraising bright idea that turns out to be rather dim, and every hurdle we barely clear, with every corner we turn to face another dead end, and every lump in my throat I have to swallow at the fear of flying - I am free to be thankful, free to give up the glory.

Just remember "We can with prayer" And so we pray........